To My First Baby

As I enter the third trimester of this pregnancy, I have so many emotions:

Wonder at how fast time can move

Excitement knowing I will see my little boy’s eyes, nose and tiny toes in just a few months

Anxiety over how the days and nights will soon blend together in a cycle of feed, change, sleep

Guilt, every time I think about how my first baby’s life is going to change

The last one is the most overwhelming. When I got pregnant with Gigi, I had no idea I could love something so intensely. That each time I picked her up out of her crib, held her little hand or she screamed at me when we ran out of blueberries, I felt like my heart might explode. There are nights I pray for bedtime, but as soon as we put her down, I sneak in to see her little face snuggled up with her pink and blue blanket, and Nick has to remind me to come up to bed. She changed my world in the best and most surprising way possible.

If you read this blog post, you know we wanted to start trying when our babies would be two years apart, not knowing how long it would take to get pregnant again. It never occurred to me that when we were blessed with baby #2 I would feel guilty. It was an immediate feeling that has only intensified.

Gigi looks at us like we hold the moon. Since she was a few days old, I have been told we spoil her too much. Mostly with our attention and dedicating our time to making her happy. She is needy, certainly becomes anxious when her “people” leave the room and is a little bit of a diva, so there are days I worry I do spoil her too much.

But it is the only way I know how to mom. To go all, 100%, with every ounce of energy I have each day (admittedly some days less than others). Just like the other things in my life, caring too much can be my weakness. Thinking about Gigi having to share me literally keeps me up at night.

Will she feel like I didn’t give her enough time with just her mom and dad?

Will she resent her little brother?

Will she act out?

Will she feel like she wasn’t enough for me?

Will it change our relationship?

I cannot wait for her little brother to join us, and maybe even complete our family, but in the deepest part of me, I feel like I am being unfair to her. I shared these feelings with my chiropractor, who is one of the most beautiful people, and she said she experienced the same fear during her second pregnancy. Then asked me if I had seen The Grinch…

“Do you remember the part where his heart grew two sizes? That’s what happens. You don’t love the new baby more, and you don’t love your first baby less. Your heart just grows to love them both in the breathtaking type of love that you only know with your children.”

Leaving her office, I felt better than when I walked in, but this time for a different reason. Maybe I will be able to love them both just the same. Maybe this will actually be good for Miss Gigi.

To My First Baby:

 

Thank you for teaching me how to be a mom. Thank you for showing me that it was my purpose in this world. And thank you for sharing me with your new baby brother. Our bond will always be special. And I promise to still give you Gianna-Mama time once he arrives.

 

I promise I will not love you any less.